“The past is a different country: they do things differently there.” L.P. Hartley, The Go-Between

At the cusp of the pandemic, an old friend contacted me for the first time in decades. We began on a sad note— learning of a death—before engaging in a lively, absorbing correspondence that lasted through much of the year. Recently, I contacted a childhood pal and we sifted through our short shared past. Ah, the past! L.P. Hartley’s finger wag first line of The Go-Between reminds us ‘The past is a different country: they do things differently there.’ Thomas Wolfe’s You Can’t Go Home Again warns that attempting to recreate the past is futile. Despite these dire predictions, some old friends do reunite, as some old friends remain constant—a home still there. During this past year, I’ve had reason to think about friendship past, present and future, as though conjugating a living noun.

“Only connect!” E.M. Forster, Howards End

The friends of my youth are old now, old friends whether they are in my life or not. The years stretch back and catch up like an extended and released rubber band: snap! we’re old. Then again, there are other types of old friends, old regardless of when we connected or what their ages are now. The friendship feels old (comfortable, deep, secure) despite its relatively short existence because of the quality of the connection.

What is it about the quality of connection between old friends? What is the difference between friendships that last and those that don’t? The roll of the dice in life makes a difference, of course—survival is key. Circumstances of health, family, location, interests and politics matter to varying degrees. With some friends the constancy of experience together over time is necessary and with others it doesn’t matter. Reunions click even after years of silence. Like frayed wires easily mended, they mend. With other attempts at reunion, the friendships just sort of…short out.

“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” Scout song

Before the pandemic I would have said that making new friends becomes harder and harder as we age. But my own experience proves otherwise, because as it turns out, two new friends were just around one corner and the renewal and rejuvenation of an old friendship or two around another—despite or because of the pandemic. Still many friends were lost along the way and there’s been no reunion. With some, it’s a shame, but with others, it’s OK: they gave up on me or I gave up on them—or we were careless with each other. Friends far and few between—silver and gold—connections forged, sustained or renewed, or connections lost, some mourned and remembered with love.